He Stole My Weed To Look At My Dildo... That's Weird Right?

Last night we traveled to Petaluma, California to Justine's sisters' house for Christmas.

Justine's sister is, well, she gave Justine "Anal Fucks vol 23 Gaping Anuses" when Justine was 12 years old- but that's a whole other story. She is however, an AMAZING cook. It was probably the best meal I've had since I've been out west. After dinner we exchanged gifts, and well, WE HAVE SOME NEW PETS! Haha. Yes. Those are Sea Monkeys. Actually Justine is "hatching them", or whatever, as I am currently typing this blog. We also received a Sports Illustrated naked girl calendar and lots of candy, a clock, and hugging salt & pepper shaker people. Alena, Justine's sister, got some 'Twang"... which I had never heard of before but apparently has the slogan "Lick the Twang" which is just clearly fantastic. After exchanging gifts we made ourselves some drinks, and I FINALLY got to drink some Amaretto w/Almond Milk, which oddly enough I have been craving for a WHILE...

I guess I forgot to mention Jeremiah. He is Alena's ex-boyfriend but they still live together. Talk about awkward tension. They clearly can't stand each other. Anyway, Jeremiah was pretty wasted and I believe also had smoked a bowl or few. In his drunken state he decided it was best he left to venture somewhere and I guess meet up with friends.

The second he left Alena was like "Holy shit I need to tell you about two incidents..."

Incident One: (and I quote)
"So the other day Jeremiah's computer wasn't working so he asked me if he could use mine... Later that night, upon putting on my PJ's I noticed something crusted to the inside leg of my pajama pants... I asked him what it was an he denied knowing what I was talking about. The next day he confessed that he went in my room to jack off and put on my pants so he could think of me while he was doing it and didn't realize he got cum all over the pants... So that was the first straw."

Incident Two: (again, I quote)
"I was really stressed out and really wanted to just chill out and smoke a bowl. I don't smoke a lot but I do have some just for really bad days and special occasions. I go into my drawer to realize my weed container had been emptied. I figured Jeremiah stole it so I confronted him. He didn't deny stealing the weed, his response was 'I saw it in your drawer and I thought you stole it from me so I was taking it back'. Which is wrong on so many levels but the thing that really concerned me was why was in my drawers in the first place? So later he confesses to me that he was actually in my room to try to find my dildo. He told me he likes to jack off to my dildo knowing it's something that goes inside of me... HE STOLE MY WEED TO LOOK AT MY DILDO! That's weird right!?"


ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THANK G-D I AM GAY. I mean hello, if this is what boys do, fucking GROSS. I do believe Nic put it best when she said, "If I were ever to find my PJ's crusty, that boy would not be anywhere near my house to have a second incident!" Haha

Alena then told us how she got a new door put on her room yesterday that can only be opened with a key and hid the key in her room. She then proceeded upstairs only to realize that when Jeremiah had left the house a drunk mess, he locked her door and closed it... Just to be an asshole. So now we are all super drunk, and locked out of Alena's room (which had all the blankets and pillows and such for the night). We decide that the best way to get into this bedroom is to utilize a random truck parked outside her house, to place a step stool on top of the truck and climb onto the roof ledge and break into the window. Some how Nic, who was probably the drunkest of all, took the lead, hopped on the stool and ended up on the roof. She then busted through the screen with a butter knife, thrown up to her by some other drunk person (possibly Alena), and saved the day.

We were all pretty tired at this point and decided to go to bed... Only the realize that the charger to the queen sized air mattress was broken and the bed needed to be blown by mouth...

We finally got to sleep, woke up, went to breakfast, took a drive around Petaluma, and then headed back to San Francisco...

Lets Back Up a Few Steps...

Nothing interesting happened today... Or yesterday for that matter... So let me back up a few steps. Introduce the characters, the setting, so that stories to come make more sense...

I live in the Portola district of San Fran. We have the upstairs of a house. It has three bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room, an upstairs bathroom a downstairs bathroom, a laundry room, and a big deck. The deck is actually pretty awesome. You can see the whole city and the bay with the mountains in the background. This picture doesn't really do it justice. Also below our deck is a yard with an awesome lemon tree. I am SO tempted to pick the neighbors lemons but I refrain... Not trying to get arrested just yet haha. ANYWAY, I live with two other girls; Nic and Justine. I will probably refer to Nic as Nike. Justine just finished Habitat for Humanity and is now a pre-med student, and Nic is in the coast guard. They are both really awesome. I find myself laughing so hard I cry daily. We don't have much furniture. Nic's mom is addicted to QVC so we find ourselves getting random packages every so often with various house hold appliances. For example- Corning Wear... Yes, corning wear. At first we were apprehensive but Nono. Nic decided we would begin by making various casseroles , starting with Mac and Cheese... Which apparently isn't as easy as it sounds... Some of the other various and RANDOM QVC items we received were: fake candles, off-brand Wii, and a folding kitchen island. One day Nike and I decided to work-out (Turbo Gym DVD style), when we heard a knock at the door. Yes, it was the UPS guy with another box... At this point not only did we have all the boxes from QVC, but also those from moving in. Nic and I decided to ditch the work-out plan and build something with all assortment of boxes and thus began the birth of our coffee table. We constructed a table about two feet high using nothing but cardboard and packing materials... That was about 2-3 weeks ago and let me tell you, this still remains our coffee table today. I have an assortment of sharpie markers and whenever something funny happens we document it on the table. Pretty awesome idea if you ask me... And by that I mean, I enjoy it. Hmmm, so what else can I tell you about... Well as I said before, we live in a neighborhood which means well duh, we have neighbors. The people next door have this dog. I used to call the dog Larry, because well, why not. One day I asked the owners the name of the dog and come to find out it is not Larry, but in fact "Nala", like in the lion king. Nala is this super cute white husky. However the neighbors don't take very good care of her. They are very very neglectful and leave her outside 24/7. They never really walk her or talk to her or play with her and Nala just whines and whines to be let in alllllllll night long (which drives Nic and Justine crazy since their room is towards the back of the house and they are constantly woken up by her cries). I love to go outside and talk to Nala and I wish more than anything I could jump across the deck and play with her. I miss having a dog and the way she is treated makes me so sad. Okay, now for one more boring story and then hopefully by tomorrow I will have an exciting adventure to post...
SO, the other day I walked outside and it was Fall, yes like the season, only in front of our house... Let me repeat that, ONLY IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE. Ha ha note the pictures... The trees in the background, completely green. This concerns me for many reasons. The first of course being, why are we the only house to have fall. Which is crazy because I was told there was no such thing as fall in California. Which I should be worried about but I was actually happy since I figured when I left the east coast I'd never see fall again and I really like fall so... I think I'm okay with it. Haha. So yeah.

So I know this wasn't the most interesting post but in the future when I talk about trails 3 or 4 or 5 of attempting Mac and Chesse or I reference Nala or the coffee table, you will understand what I'm talking about. Peace Out-

(P.S. I will leave you with a picture of our door to go out to the deck... This door is located in Justine's room... Yes. That is a pink penis.)

Also- I feel the photo of Nic "dust busting" Justine's ass, and me sitting in the back of a car should also be included in this blog seeing as these are two things that often happen...

Pictures Ouside of the Lex

Nic, Me, Jay, Justine... Outside the Lex

Is It Possible I Have Jew-dar...

New Years Eve. Day one of blogging.

I finally convinced Nic and Justine to come to the Lex with me. The Lex is the only Lesbian bar in this whole gay town and it's about less than half the size of Gallaghers. There are no windows, no dance floor, and usually no music playing. HOWEVER, it may have been the only bar in San Francisco not charging a cover on NYE and I'm super broke. Lizzy, her roommates Jessie and Jen, and Rachel were supposed to be bar hoping around the Lex. Justine's friend Jay and her girlfriend Shay (yes... their names rhyme) were going to be there also- OH and this girl Nikki, that I met in the bathroom line at The Cafe one sat night a few weeks ago.

It's nice to go out and see familiar faces in bars. I mean, I had been to the Lex only once before and it totally sucked but I'm starting to recognize people here and there... However, back to the story... SO, I had a Sparks, Justine and Nic took about 50 hours to get ready (love you guys but it's true), and then we headed off. We even found a wicked close parking spot (gross that i just used the word wicked). Lizzy and that whole crew ended up finding some other bar, which kinda sucked a little because the cover there was $20 and I really wanted to see her. It's sad that I do actually have a good friend out here that I never get to see. Anyway though we get to the Lex and Jay and Shay were standing outside. We took some pictures (I'm sure they will be posted soon on facebook), and then we headed inside.

HOLY FUCKING PACKED was this bar. I'm not kidding, this place is tiny but there may have been 123879 millions homos in there. I got a Stoli Vanilla and Diet (yes Jenn, it made me think of you), and Jay, Nic and I took a shot of something strong. I found Nikki from the bathroom line and we talked for a bit. Also I found Noami, this girl I met the first time I was at the Lex and then again when we went to Cockblock. She's a Jew, I remember that. Jenna also, Jew that is. We met her about two weeks ago when she got locked out and needed a ride to The Cafe. She hoped in the back seat with Rachel and me and we realized we were all Jewish and made some joke about how they were making the Jews ride in the back. Well Jenna was there also, at the Lex.

So I went outside, sometimes I do this whole thing where I go outside to pretend like I'm gonna smoke, but really I just wanna see who is out there I can talk to. It's way easier making friends outside than in a super crowded bar. So I go outside and meet this girl Lex (not to be confused with the name of the bar). And we have a silly conversation about how it's nice to go outside and meet people and how she's this big video person or something. Who knows. I may have been drunk at this point. Wait did I mention Jess? (Not to be confused with Jessy... the weird girl from The Cafe)... Jess was this girl that I guess was friends with Jay. I'm not sure how since Jay is from Sweeden... Like literally, is only here a year and has to go back to Sweeden in a month or so. Well turns out this girl Jess isn't from nor does she live in San Fran. She was from Towson and just visiting. In fact she even works in Towson mall and lives right by Loch Raven. SO WEIRD how small this world is. So really I have no clue how Jay could have possibly known Jess but ANYWAY yeah.

SO we are all drinking and dancing (apparently the Lex turns into dancing on NYE) and having a great time. It was way cool to know SO many people here. Then, for some odd reason the bar started counting down to say happy new year ten min early... which was super weird. They passed out free Champagne and balloons went flying and everyone around me kissed. So then I head outside, because it started to get really stuffy in the bar, and Jess and this dude follow me out and we all start talking and finally the REAL countdown to new year was happening. Jess then tried to kiss me but I backed away. We were all wasted, though how random if my first New Years in San Fran I kiss some chick that was visiting from Baltimore. I do believe she started making out with the gay dude. Good for them.

So I turn around and see a group of girls taking a picture, and what do I do... Obviously jump into the picture. I mean hello, I'm still me, Tass the picture whore. So I put my arm around the girl on the end and smile. They laugh and I introduce myself. Turns out they were visiting from Israel. Tel Aviv! So I told them all about my adventures in Tel Aviv and how much I love Israel and how sad and worried I am about the shit going on now. Then I told them that I spoke a little Hebrew and that the only non-typical thing I knew how to say was "Ani Melekeket Coos" which means "I wanna lick your pussy" or something along those lines.

It's really crazy that where ever I go I always seem to meet the 2 or 3 other Jews. Even that night Justine and I went to the Look Out. I happened to introduce myself to two girls, both Jews. And this is really not that Jewish of an area.

Anyways back to NYE. SO really not much happened after that. We all peed on the side of the road. Then Justine, Nic and I left the bar around 12:30, headed home and watched Wall-E. SO I guess it sucks that my first night to blog about wasn't this extreme adventure but hey, it's only day 1. HAPPY NEW YEAR!


*Nic and Justine are my roommates... For those that haven't caught on by now...